11:11

Okay. This has become such a blatant in my face sign that I have to write about it.

For the past month- just after Thanksgiving- I began constantly noticing 11:11, and 1:11. At first it was mostly that I would happen to glance at a digital clock at either of those times. But then it began in other ways. I wish I had written them all down now, but I remember seeing at least one license plate with 111.

Then I realized that my favorite verse (for about 5 years now), happens to be Hebrews 11:1.

Within the past week it began happening more and more. This past week I noticed that a couple texts I sent were at 11:11.

And then tonight- I had three signs within three hours. First, I picked up my cell phone to text a friend, and the clock on my phone was 11:11. Had I picked it up a second later I would have missed it, because I watched as it turned from 11:11 to 11:12.

Then, I happend to look up at the clock on my wall (not a digital) at 12:55. If you recall the face of a clock then you will realize that the big hand was pointing at the 11 while the small hand pointed at the 1.

And finally, a few minutes ago, I was watching a movieclip online. I paused it to do something else, and when I returned I saw that the duration of time that I paused the clip was at 1 minute 11 seconds into the clip.

What is going on?

Merry Christmas!

All I Want for Christmas is You




Love Actually

— MOVIECLIPS.com

Patience

Love.
I know what I want, but I'm not sure what to do to get it.
Really, I don't think there's anything I can or need to do as of now?
Except to have patience. And trust.

No More Construction

I think the roof construction is over! Holding my breath.
I almost lost it this morning after being woken up by it after being up until 3am.
All evidence points to the roof being finished...I'll find out in the morning.
And I have successfully avoided the previously mentioned stalkerish guy.
Things are looking up! (I am easy to please these days.)

Something to Think About

Within the past month I had this major shift in viewing my close relationships.

I realized that most of the problems arising out of certain relationships of mine had something to do with making choices based out of ego/fear. Fear of rejection. And ego as in "I did x for you, so you should now do y for me." And that's the opposite of unconditional love.

One of the best realizations I had is succumbing to the fact that only the two people involved in the relationship (whether it be friendship or more) will ever really know the true connection and feelings of their relationship. All third party opinions should be taken with a grain of salt.

I'm now fully trusting my heart with the people I love.

An Off Day

Something I disdain, and that bugs me like no other, is having an 'off' day. One of those days when nothing you do flows.

That's how I felt most of today.

On the contrary, I love those days when everything works out just right, and you are feeling awesome and doing your thing. Who doesn't like that, right?

Hopefully tomorrow will be one of those days.

Up on the Rooftop

Since last week there's been construction happening on my roof. It's been so delightful every morning to be woken up at 7:00am to what sounds like a herd of buffalo running on the roof.

Usually I'm out and about, at least to go for a walk/run in the afternoon. So I made small talk with the construction guys last week. One of them, my age, took a liking to me. He asked for my number. I'm not at all interested in dating the guy, but here's my thing with guys asking for numbers- as long as they are a gentleman about it, I'm not going to reject the guy because it takes some guts. And I'm up for meeting new people and making new friends. He seemed decent enough.

So he wanted to hang out this weekend. I figured if we were out and about in the same vicinity I wouldn't be opposed to meeting up (in a group setting so he wouldn't get the wrong idea).

He text me Friday, but he was on the other side of town while I was downtown with friends. So in my mind that was that. I let him know I was hanging out with friends. Well, then things got a little bit stalkerish. He called me a total of six times over the course of Friday and Saturday. To which none of them I picked up. I text him letting him know I was busy, but apparently that wasn't enough.

So now that it's Monday he's back on my roof. He already text me this morning (at 7am!!!). To which I did not reply.

After this I've changed my stance on who gets my number because this is ridiculous. Damn being friendly. Oh, and he just text me asking if I want some McDonald's. This is comical and stupid.

Guess I'll be staying inside all week. Or leaving before 7am? To be continued...

Unconditional Love: Not as Easy as Sunday School Made it Sound

I believe there are people in my life and your life, in every person’s life, that we are solely meant to love unconditionally. It's those people you feel connected to in some sort of unexplainable, perhaps karmic, way. (In regards to people outside of family because obviously there's an explainable connection within family.)

It’s so important to have people in our lives who show us that unconditional love because we all fuck up. We all say things we don’t mean and do things we shouldn’t. But the ones that know our heart will be right there to hold us up when we need them. At least that's what we hope for, and that’s who I want to be.

I want to be someone who loves purposefully and perseveringly so that those people I love unconditionally know without a shadow of a doubt that I’m there for them no matter what.

A Clean Slate

Christmas is not going to really feel like Christmas this year. I'm kind of trying to bypass the holidays. I've decided to stay in town instead of making yet another trip to TN (that would make trip number three in just three months.) And also since I've gotten a job I don't want to take any days off.

Christmas is just one day anyway. A few of my friends have been super sweet and invited me to join their families for Christmas. As much as I appreciate it, I don't really want to spend Christmas with a family that isn't my own. It's a bit melancholy thinking of Christmas this year because I've spent most Christmases since I moved to Florida with my now ex-best friend's family, whom I considered family.

But it is what it is.

This last month of the year has been better. More clarity and progress. Moving along with my goals, but I am ready for a new year. I hate sounding pessimistic and pardon my lack of eloquence, but this year has SUCKED.

To be more insightful, and to look at it in a less superficial light- everything I went through was extremely necessary. This year wiped the slate clean in a sense. I was forced to deal with circumstances I certainly didn't want to. Things that had been brewing for a while.

2011 was a year of extremes. Extreme lows and extreme highs. When it was good it was fantastic, and exciting and thrilling. When it was bad, oh my God was it painful.

I've gained more independence, confidence, and the huge blessing of knowing what I want. It was a rough road to figuring out what I truly want my life to be, with a lot of surprising twists. Overall it was an exciting adventure. Exciting and exhausting.

Looking back at it, I kinda feel like a badass. I got through this year very alone. I drove across country for God's sake! I moved to a huge city not really knowing anyone. Although it made me more independent, I also learned that we're not meant to do things all alone. Relationships are one of the main points of life. We're here for each other. We're here to love, love, love and love some more.

In The Mourning

A Video

This video makes me laugh.

A Song

This song is beautiful to me.

A Year Ago Today

Found these 'writings' today. I wrote them exactly a year ago, 11/28/2010.

Intuition
---------
I had a dream last night.
As most nights I do.

In this dream I had a plan,
then I woke up
and now know what to do.

I may not be at the pace of everyone else.
But my journey is not your own.

I feel on beat.
On key.
Finally everything is flowing.

A time for ruminating.
Making tangible the ideas stored inside
Allowing me to create a step by step guide.

Not waiting for perfection.
But trusting my intuition.

My life will become what I see in my mind's eye.
-------------------------------------------------

A New Day
---------
Good morning
bright sunshine
newness is here

The iniquity of yesterday forgotten
the rays wash away my fears.

The sunshine reaches my face through the window
birds chirp happily
a reminder of the good in my childhood
a reminder of the simple.

What was once impossible yesterday seems possible today.

The Bracelet
I found your bracelet last week.
The one you made for me.
Blue beads.
It reminds me of the good.
How we were there for each other.
A special bond that no one can fully understand,
besides you and me.

I was angry. And I am still hurt.
But I've decided to wear the bracelet now.
It reminds me of the good.
Then I had a dream that you called me.
It was the beginning of the mending that I hope will someday be.
I miss you dearly.

Little boy's Journey: Part 2

Little Boy was feeling disappointed in what he had discovered beyond the mountain. He decided to go back to the mountain for a while.

Unfortunately, he arrived only to discover the mountain to be an even darker place than his memory. He realized why conjuring his imagination had been an important daily task. If only things had changed, but time seemed to stand still on the mountain. He sat bewildered at the top of the mountain, wondering how he could fix things. The grief that he thought had dissipated with his journey east only returned. He decided that perhaps the grief would relinquish if he rebuilt the cabin he’d grown up in at the top of the mountain.

But the cabin was not ready to come down. He tried to burn it to the ground, but the logs would not catch fire. He then tried to bury it, but the feat proved impossible. After unsuccessful attempts to burn and bury the cabin, Little Boy was exhausted. He decided to live in the cabin for a while. Just long enough to rest until his next journey.

Little Boy looked for the front door, but there was no door to be found. He ran to the back door. But there was no door to be found. He climbed up to the windows. They were barred. He peaked inside the window to the room he grew up in. Everything was just as he had left it-The bookshelf filled with his favorite books. One of the dresser drawers half open. Like a movie set-everything was in its place.

But nothing was the same.

Little Boy’s grief engulfed him. He was exhausted, but it was time to begin another journey. He didn’t know where else to go so he headed back east in search of the familiar.

Salamander was there to happily greet Little Boy. She knew how difficult going back to the mountain must have been for him. Little Boy created new memories in hopes of overcoming the memories of the mountain.

Time passed and Little Boy was only reminded of the painful mountain memories every so often, and the journey that had brought him back. He had still not spoken to Fox. Little Boy and Fox lived far enough apart that they never ran across one another. Sometimes he thought of Fox, and missed him. But then he remembered how Fox had taken Salamander’s feet.

Little Boy began to grow tired of the village he lived in. He sensed he was being deceived by people in the village so he stopped confiding in them. Things were not much easier than they had been back at the mountain, but at least he had Salamander’s friendship.

Little Boy began making plans to explore new territory. He decided to journey out west. Eventually he would come back to the east, but his adventurous heart wanted to explore every possibility.

Once Little Boy finalized the details of his westward journey he excitedly shared the news with Salamander. She shared in his excitement as he recounted the plan. But there was still time yet before his leave.

Later, as Little Boy took his usual walk, he could see Salamander in the forest with some of their other friends. As he approached the group he noticed Salamander carrying the bouquet the two of them had collected throughout their journey together. He looked on, stunned, as Salamander burnt the bouquet and threw it in the river.

Little Boy knew he must have seen the scenario wrong. The next day he confronted Salamander about what he saw.

“Why did you burn our bouquet?”

“Oh, it doesn’t really matter.”

“But it took years to create.”

“Goodbye”, Salamander dryly replied.

Heartbroken, Little Boy decided it was time to begin the journey west.

Little Boy's Journey: Part One

This little boy used to write stories all the time. He loved using his imagination. Most of his stories were about the unseen. Worlds he hoped to discover with knights, and the attainment of dreams.

This Little Boy lived on the top of a mountain. He would often go on walks to get inspiration for his imagination. On these walks he would think of all that he would one day be and do.

On this particular day, Little Boy started off on his walk. He never took the same path. This time he headed east. He had been feeling trapped at the top of the mountain, but was a little scared being unsure of what existed beyond it. He had been in grief for some time, and supposed that going beyond the mountain would change things for the better.

After a while Little Boy came upon a salamander. The salamander had helped him plan this journey. Little Boy was thrilled to have a trusting companion. The salamander of course knew the wild and guided him. Never having been beyond the mountain, Little Boy had a lot to learn. He was grateful to have his old friend, Salamander, be his guide.

Salamander had many friends in the east. She had lived there a long time. Mostly Salamander told Little Boy about Fox. Salamander was sure that Fox and him would become the best of friends.

Little Boy loved hearing Salamander’s stories and it made the journey go by very fast. Little Boy was filled with excitement to begin his new life. Perhaps the things he had always dreamt of on the mountain were going to come true!

After a while, Salamander and Little Boy arrived at Salamander’s home. Little Boy felt so free now that he was beyond the mountain. One night Salamander asked Little Boy if he would like to meet some of the friends she had told him about. Little Boy was nervous but excited to meet these new friends.

When Salamander and Little Boy arrived, Salamander was excited.

“You will finally meet Fox."

Little Boy didn’t know why Salamander was so excited for him to meet Fox. But he guessed it didn’t matter.

Salamander was right. Fox and Little Boy became good friends. Little Boy noticed that Salamander seemed conflicted about this, and wasn’t sure why. But it didn’t bother Little Boy too much. Salamander had been such a good friend.

One day after Little Boy had been playing with friends, he realized Fox had not shown up. Salamander had not been there either. Little Boy decided to stop at the field they always played at.

When Little Boy arrived, Salamander was there. Little Boy was excited to tell her about all the fun of the day. But before he could begin, Little Boy noticed something different about Salamander.

“Where are your feet, Salamander?”

“Fox took them.”

Little Boy did not understand this. Why would Fox do that? He trusted Fox as much as he did Salamander. Fox knew Salamander was Little Boy's best friend.

Now Salamander had to crawl on her belly.

Little Boy didn't really believe that Fox would do that, but if that were true then it meant Salamander was lying. Little Boy was so confused. He decided not to speak to Fox, at least for a while. But Fox didn’t seem to notice. This hurt Little Boy. He thought his friendship with Fox meant something special.

Salamander seemed happier now that she didn’t have to share Little Boy with Fox. This bothered Little Boy and he realized it was time to leave on another journey, but alone this time.

2011 Wrap-Up

In trying to keep with the foundation of this blog...

Everything I've Never Done until 2011:

1. First professional job on a film set in Los Angeles.
2. Moved to Los Angeles
3. First time living in a large metropolitan area, unless you count Jacksonville, Fl. I don't.
4. Drove cross country. Twice. Alone the second time.
5. Went to improv shows at Second City, and Upright Citizens Brigade
6. Got a production job in Los Angeles editing and hosting.
7. Took an acting class in L.A.
8. Went to a taping of "The Price is Right"
9. Trying online dating. It has been interesting.
10. (Almost) finished writing a rom-com screenplay. (Will be finished by December!)
11. Found out I will be an Aunt soon!

Gainesville

Things are beginning to fall into place here in Gainesville. I have a five year plan and as plans go I expect it to change, but I'm going with it as long as it works!

I don't miss Los Angeles at all. If anything, living in L.A. cured my appetite for what I thought I wanted. There's a lot I love about Gainesville and now I appreciate this city even more.

I've chosen a new career path. One that I will feel fulfilled in, but will definitely have its challenges. I realized after being in L.A. that I need a career where I'm helping people in a tangible way.

Hooray for self actualization.

Doo doo do do do...

This show always makes me happy, even if I'm having a bad day.
PB&J

Tough Year

This year has been tough. I've gotten to the point a few times when I knew I couldn't take anymore disappointment or hurt, and then something would happen to prove me wrong.

My best friend, who was like a sister to me, ended our relationship abruptly without even an attempt to repair it- as though we barely knew each other. Not only did I lose a friendship that at one time I thought was infallible, I lost a family too. Sometimes I miss her, but it's hard to forgive someone who is willing to throw away 14 years of friendship so readily. I'm still working on forgiving.

I moved away to L.A. thinking I would be there forever. It turns out the things I thought I wanted weren't as important to me in reality. I had to let go of the notions that I had believed my entire life. I had to make a choice for my happiness, but it was a choice I never thought was a question. It rocked my world.

My grandfather passed away a couple weeks ago. It's all a part of life, and thank God he had a full life. But I'll miss him, and I know it's hard on my grandmother to be alone after 60 years of marriage.

...And life goes on.

Homecoming

I didn’t think I was leaving much behind with my move to L.A. I didn’t realize how much I would miss those people I love. I’ve learned how important it is to allow myself to be vulnerable. We are not made to live a lonely life. I learned that I can do it alone, but I don’t want to. The choice to go it alone is much more difficult, and unnecessary. I was making my life harder than it needed to be.

This L.A. experience has been one big lesson from God.

In the beginning everything was fantastic! I had arrived. I didn’t have false expectations to instantly have things happen, but I got a production job instantly! And a great place to live right in Hollywood! It looked like my life was finally falling into place.

I enjoyed the city- went out to shows, got very little sleep, went to work, did it again the next day.

I had been here almost two months, but in L.A. time that’s like 6 months because so much happens in such a short amount of time. It’s a time warp… then I began to feel it. My heart was not happy. My intuition was telling me something I didn’t want to hear. I felt off. Something was missing. Then one night it really hit me and I was an emotional wreck. I couldn’t believe myself. This is what I had always wanted…what was going on?

But I have learned to listen and trust my intuition. Even though I didn’t quite understand my feelings yet- they were very real, and there was no denying them. I couldn’t believe this life that I was so sure I wanted was turning out to be so devoid and empty. It was a Band-Aid. And the Band-Aid had just been ripped off, fast. It was turning out to be a façade. This year’s life theme for me has been the tearing down of the superficial- of situations not beneficial to my happiness. Life in L.A has turned out to be a façade -something I thought I needed and wanted, but once I scratched beneath the surface, the ugly truth came out.

(Sorry for any L.A. natives this may offend, but this is just my experience.) I began to realize that the only thing people care about here is themselves, and there are too many hidden agendas. Everyone works like a maniac (at least in the entertainment industry) - and for what? I began to see the path ahead, and it did not sit well with me. Suddenly the city disgusted me- the traffic, the people being everywhere. No kindness in anyone’s eyes.

Maybe if I were from here I wouldn’t feel this way. I would already have family here and that support. I’ve realized truly how important family and friends are. I have always cherished them, but now I really get it. I can’t recreate the relationships I already have. Sure, I can make new ones out here, but I don’t want to sacrifice the old ones for the new ones- the old ones have been with me through a lot of pain and struggle. They really know me and love me, and I love them. Am I willing to sacrifice those for a career?

…Hell, no.

Over this year blinders that have been blocking my vision, getting in the way of the life I want/need, have been falling to the wayside. It’s been tough, but I know it’s all a part of getting to a place of peace and inner happiness. Now I never have to wonder…what if? I tested out what I thought I wanted- and it was the best way for me to find out what I really want.

All this time I thought I didn’t have a place to go home to. But I do. Gainesville is the first place that felt like home to me. Tennessee carries too many bad memories and pain. Gainesville was my first shelter from that. The first place I was able to take a deep breath.

It took me five years of searching with 14 moves, a trip to Canada, two trips to France, and a move to L.A. to realize where home is for me. The first place that took care of me, allowed me to rest, to grow up- Gainesville.

Full Circle.

Debris

You wanted a timeshare in my heart.
To bulldoze the scene and recreate it to suit your needs.
Tied those strings tight all the while
Pulling the wool down, down.

What's the excuse that comes from your mouth
When people ask what became of it all?

Fumbling around in a dark room searching for a switch,
I finally turned the light on to see the writing on the wall.

I had a fight with God last night.

I told him I am too exhausted for another let down.

You are love…so what is the problem?

It has been nothing but a snake in disguise to me.

Ripping everything away, to build it back up?

Fine, then show me something redeeming.

Gestation

18-24

Lambuth- 4 months
Cumberland- 4 months
South Harpeth- 3 months
Hall house- 3 months
Lakeshore- one month
Stratford Mill- 4 months
Lincoln Street- 6 months
Four Mile- 8 months
Merlot Way- 8 months
Lark's house- 8.5 months
Avistele- 1 month
Goodwin - 1 week
Lakewood- 8 months (one week)

... A list of each place I have lived from the age of 18 to present, 24. I didn’t realize how many places, until I wrote them all down.

Looking at it makes me feel exhausted.

I made the list to figure out the exact amount of time I spent at each place. While having a heart to heart with my ‘sister’, the fact that I have moved so much came up. I started calculating in my head and figured out that the longest I have stayed in one place since moving away from home at 18, is 8 months. She brought a great metaphor to my attention when she said, “It takes nine months to have a baby.” That hit me really hard, in an obvious way- I see the parallel; since the age of 18 it’s been all about growing and changing-a gestation period emotionally and spiritually. I hadn’t quite reached the full term- and I illustrated that physically by continuously moving.

I am looking forward to the day that I reach my 9 month mark of living in one place. It will be comforting to have somewhere feel like home… finally.

Making a Decision

I had a fantastic experience today.

My biggest obstacle in moving to L.A. has been to find someone to fulfill the rest of my apartment lease agreement. I felt, where there is a will there is a way, but as time began to creep by I began to get anxious about the situation. I had posted to Craigslist, but only once, and recieved some dud responses to my inbox. Honestly, I was hoping my landlord would find someone.

Last week I began to feel the pressure. I realized I needed to turn that feeling into action! I began posting the add everyday. Then after getting some advice from my landlord, I revamped the ad and decided this was it! This is the ad that will sell it!

In the meantime I've been thinking about what I want. Focusing on getting specific. I've learned that the more specific your goal, the more likely you will achieve it. Basically vague desires produce vague results while definite desires produce definite results. (I highly recommend reading Think and Grow Rich...a mind altering book. A book I had seen but actively avoided because I thought the title was hokey).

This book has brought to life the fact that I need to improve my decision making skills. I have had a problem with making definite decisions. Instead of taking control of my decisions I have had the attitude of 'have a general idea of what you want, then when something comes along you like, act on it.' My ideas were general and vague. That is all changing now. And already this change in my thought process has caused me to achieve exactly what I want.

Last night I made the definite decision that the next day I would have a person to fulfill my lease. It was not negotiable. I decided that it would happen. And I felt fantastic about that decision.

Well, I got emails inquiring about the apartment, and by 2:00 today my goal had been reached! And to add the suaveness of God/universe/whatever power you believe- the guy didn't realize it until he arrived, but he had been on a waiting list for an apartment in my complex last year. I needed him to allow me to get to where I want to be, and he needed me to get to where he wants to be!

That little detail reminded me that we all have something to give, and we need each other to make our lives better.

(I am telling you, this book I have read is really fantastic. It has expanded my thought process from the foundations that I had developed through reading books like The Secret, Blink, Happier and The Wishing Year. Think and Grow Rich takes the cake. I'll most likely have to write more about it as I apply the concepts to my own life.)

Cookie Dough

I am having the hardest time motivating myself to get to the gym. I keep planning to and then I don't. It's a vicious cycle. And then I'll go for a few days in a row and then I don't for a week.

I'm going back to strict vegan for a while. Until I lose the extra weight which I happily gained from my LA trip, and then sucummbed to eating crappily in my downtrodden state once I returned to Jacksonville. I think I have 7 pounds to lose. I don't know. I haven't weighed myself...as I haven't been to the gym to use the scale. But my stomach is looking gooey. Which makes me think of cookie dough. Which sounds really good right now....but no! I will exercise my will power!

Consider this a blog to spur my own motivation. It's a purely self indulgent post- as have been my eating habits. (But let's be honest, most blogs are.)

Restless

I've been restless since I got back from Los Angeles. I'm on the verge of some major changes in my life. I don't do well with that. Being on the verge makes me want to leap.

Being restless makes me feel out of control. Something I'm all too familiar with from my childhood. I can't stand it and I revert back to some old unhealthy habits. Thus I'm implementing this time of restlessness to transform into something healthy. A time for inner work to be done.

Tonight, for the second time, I'm going to attend an Al-Anon meeting. In case you're unfamiliar, it is a meeting for adult children and family members of alcoholics, substance abusers, or mental illness. It's a place where people meet to talk about and relate with the struggles they are having or have had. And how to overcome deep seated habits of coping that are unhealthy to carry on as an adult.

I've been more attuned to the ways growing up in an unhealthy household have shaped the way I am today. There are old outworn habits that I need to outgrow. I am hoping this will be a positive opportunity for such growth.

I'm about to be at a new exciting place in my life. I need to be emotionally and spiritually ready. Whatever that looks like, I'm not totally sure. But I'm willing to find out.

Shoot Day #1

Successful day. Full day.

Going to make this short and sweet.

We shot all day at a house in Pasadena. It's the same house seen in 'A Single Man.'

Started raining the last 2 hours. It was pouring while we had to pack up everything. We were out of there by 8pm.

Tomorrow's another adventure!

First Celeb Sighting in WeHo

Started feeling under the weather yesterday. Took a 3 hour nap, and I'm going to lay low today so I'll be feeling 100%. First day on set tomorrow!

Ate at some great places yesterday- Hugo's for lunch. Had my first celeb sighting. I had a mini freak out. Amy Phoeler is one of my role models, and there she was. In all her blonde glory. The only thing seperating us was a window. I somehow resisted the urge to stare at her through the window while she chatted over lunch with former fellow SNL castmate Ana Gasteyer. Believe me, it wasn't an easy urge to let go of. After we got a table at the restaurant, I was able to glance over every now and then to get a glimpse of the blonde bombshell.

Then for drinks and dinner we ate at Cafe La Boheme. The drinks were good, but the Japanese Ravioli was fantastic. It was layered with a pumpkin sauce and pumpkin seeds.

Going to check out Ketchup tonight. Apparently it's super trendy. Like ridiculously trendy, I'm sure.

Don't Take a Cab on Marathon Day

Day three here... It's been a bit rough.

Started my day with getting a phone call from the producer. I made my first mistake as a PA with a task given. It's fixed now. Just can't f*ck up again.

Then, had to take a cab to West Hollywood. That cost fifty bucks. The cab smelled like an old dead person. Not so much fun. The driver had an accent of some sort so I only understood every other word. As soon as I got in he made a remark about a marathon going on.

To this I thought he was making conversation. He asked me if I had ever been in a marathon (Yes, but only a 5k, that was enough for me.) Then he tells me that the road to my hotel may be blocked off because of the marathon. OKkkaaaayyyy. Thanks for the info. Could of told me that before you got me halfway there.

It would have been no problem to have him drop me off a street over. Sure, I had luggage, but my luggage has wheels. HOWEVER, it had been pouring rain since 9am.

Well, the cab driver had me on the edge of my seat. He didn't know what roads would be open. While trying to find an open road, thousands of people are running by outside (and might I add they're moving faster than we are.) I considered getting out and running with them, all the way to my hotel. (If only it hadn't been for the rain.) All the while I'm staring at the meter reader willing it not to go over $50.

HALLELUJAH. He followed a taxi down an open street leading to my hotel. The CRUEL joke of it all is that the opposite road was blocked off for the marathon. I still had to do a little trek in the pouring rain to get to the hotel.

Damn, I look good right now. No... wait. This may be Hollywood, but even in Hollywood you don't look good after running in the pouring rain. Nope. That's ONLY the movies.

The rest of the day is sure to be better. Rain rain go away.

First day in H.Wood

Yesterday I arrived in Los Angeles at 10:30am after a 5 hour flight, and on less than 2 hours of sleep. (I was up late packing after getting home from work at 11pm.)

As excited as I was to get off that plane, my delirium set in a bit and I had a mini freak out in my mind. I didn't know where to go and wasn't sure how I was going to get to the production office. These were things I had a vague idea of but couldn't really know for sure until I got more information.

The easiest thing of course would have been to taxi or rent a car...I'm not willing to spend 100 bucks (between parking, gas, etc). So I opted for the bus. It took three bucks. SWEET...

...Except the bus ride took three hours. But I met some nice people on the ride and got my bearings as far as location. FINALLY I arrived at the production office around 4pm (luckily they weren't necessarily expecting me to show up). They put me to work and I got to watch a couple auditions. SUPER interesting. Then dinner with the director/writer, producer, Director of Photography and another PA. Then a production meeting. Done at 10:00pm, and thankfully the producer drove me back- so no bus!

Now today I had some emails to send, but for the most part it is a free day so I am in Santa Monica browsing and possibly buying some sweaters (it is cold!)

Tomorrow I'm setting up camp over in West Hollywood where we begin filming in a couple days.

And that basically sums up my first day in Hollywood!

James Dean

PACKING FOR L.A.!

I'll be there for about 3 weeks working on the set of Joshua Tree, 1951: A Portrait of James Dean. Check out the trailer

I'll do my best to update while I'm out west!

Broken

Relationships are always going to take care and maintenance, but both parties have to be willing to own up to their own shortcomings.

I can be stubborn. Fickle. Unimpressed. Sometimes I may appear unaffected or unemotional. I can be self righteous and a know-it-all, hedonistic, and too independent for my own good. If you know me you may be able to think of some more to add to this list!

These are my shortcomings. I am aware. It's me at my worst. Most of the battle is in knowing and acknowledging my own shortcomings. It's the only way to grow. To keep them at bay. You can't fix what isn't (or what you think) isn't broken.

I am broken. I admit it! I don't have it all together!

With that said, I only want relationships that are willing to love and accept all of me.

So there you have it. A list of my negatives. I have nothing to hide from anyone. I'm not perfect. I don't want to be perfect. I want to be kind, genuine, uplifting, empathetic, warm, spontaneous and loving. I want relationships that are honest.

Friends and family-I want you to all know that I love you for all that you are. I appreciate every aspect of you.

We are all broken, bruised, and burnt. The real test comes in how we deal when confronted with our own demons. How do we come out not only alive, but stronger? This is life. This is what matters.