A Grateful Heart

Hi everyone,
   With Thanksgiving coming up I want to say that I am grateful for the momentum that is happening in my life! Things are moving forward, and they continue to get better and better.
     A while back I took a hiatus as I decided to write a book. It ended up being mostly a compilation of journal entries, and at the end of its creation there was something missing and I knew I needed to take a step back and give some time for my real story to surface.
     Now is that time. My vision for this book has become much clearer.
        I'll let you know a little bit right now. It's going to be about my story of healing. I would like to bring more awareness to suicide- the journey of what the person who chooses suicide is like, how the suicide of my father has affected me, and my own contemplation of going down that path.

      I have a lot to say and my hope is that my words will be helpful and healing to others.

And that's that!

A Meaningless Post

Why are Twix so good? Someone brought leftover Halloween candy to the office. Well, I assume that’s what it is. I don’t know who brought it. We have a table in the middle of the office, and that’s where it appeared. I’m starting to think it’s magic because delicious treats constantly appear on it.

Jolly Ranchers, Twix, Milky Way, Cake, Cookies.

There’s really no limit.

Luckily they’re mini twix so I’d have to eat ten to equal one actual twix bar. Okay, more like four.

…And that’s my morning.

Innocence

I've made a breakthrough. It's been a year long process...well, lifelong really, but most of the grunt work was done over this past year, November 2011 to November 2012.

I was in line at Starbucks today, as I often find myself, and when the Barista saw me she said sincerely that she loves when I come in because I always have a smile on my face and it brightens her day. It brightened my day to hear her say that because that has been one of my goals for this past year; creating my own happiness so that it spreads to others.

Then I remembered that basically the exact same words came out of a co-worker's mouth two days ago.

And then, just a few minutes ago, a friend of mine text me a similar sentiment out of the blue.

I feel like these are signs that my work has paid off. I've found happiness within myself and now I'm able to share it!

Not that everything is always rainbows and butterflies but who I am today is very different than who I was a year ago. I'm lighter, I love myself more, and I love others more. Regardless of the circumstances.

One of the major lessons I lived this year is that you can't give what you don't have. But you can give what you do have. And then it multiplies.

i.e. The more I love myself, the more I'm able to love others. My heart has opened up so much more since last year. All my life I was guarded and scared to be vulnerable because I saw hurt and experienced hurt. But if I were to live my life making fear based decisions, then I would only get crappy results.

The truth is, all of our stories share the same thread. The universal issues we deal with are love and fear. Love is not a problem until fear gets involved.

This year I learned how to forgive. I forgave my mom. I forgave my dad. I forgave my childhood friend. I forgave the guy I was in love with for so long.

And most importantly, I forgave myself.

Because the truth is, all these people, including myself, were doing the best we knew how to at that point in time in the given circumstances. It doesn't make it all right. But it does make us all blameless. And I know that each of these people love me, but we all have our lessons to learn and our demons to face. And relationships are what bring these out so that we can face our demons and conquer them once and for all.

I am grateful for the lessons I learned from each of these people. I choose now to let go of the hurt.

Love is all that matters.

2012: The Next Hanging Chad?

 I just got a call from Eva Longoria!!!!!

Well, it was an automated message asking for my vote for Obama. Oh, I am looking forward to this election being over.

It’s an odd time in our world. I will be surprised if everything goes over smoothly voting wise. I expect some sort of weird 2000-esque ordeal.

We shall see.

Perhaps a PhD is for Me!

Okay, I still have 2.5 years left in my masters program, but I'm already excited about the prospect of continuing on after that and getting a PhD in Social Work.

I never really thought I'd be interested in getting a PhD in anything, but it makes the most sense. For one, I love school. Two, I want to become an expert in the field, find my niche, and going for a PhD will automatically grant me the time to find my niche, research it, and become an expert in my chosen niche of social work. I'm thinking of looking into researching something that I've been extremely impacted by in my own life such as suicide or alcoholism. I have some ideas for research projects.

Anyway, I'm getting way ahead of myself here but I must be onto something because the idea of getting my PhD excites me!

Plus, I want to write and lots of professors are writers. So, maybe I'll teach and write. Sounds like a good life to me!

It would be another four years in school. But either way, those four years are going to pass. So at the end of those four years I'll either have a PhD, if that's what I decide to do, or not. Thinking of it like that kind of puts things into perspective.

Wanted to share my epiphany with you. But, back to the present. I gotta get the Masters first!