Homecoming

I didn’t think I was leaving much behind with my move to L.A. I didn’t realize how much I would miss those people I love. I’ve learned how important it is to allow myself to be vulnerable. We are not made to live a lonely life. I learned that I can do it alone, but I don’t want to. The choice to go it alone is much more difficult, and unnecessary. I was making my life harder than it needed to be.

This L.A. experience has been one big lesson from God.

In the beginning everything was fantastic! I had arrived. I didn’t have false expectations to instantly have things happen, but I got a production job instantly! And a great place to live right in Hollywood! It looked like my life was finally falling into place.

I enjoyed the city- went out to shows, got very little sleep, went to work, did it again the next day.

I had been here almost two months, but in L.A. time that’s like 6 months because so much happens in such a short amount of time. It’s a time warp… then I began to feel it. My heart was not happy. My intuition was telling me something I didn’t want to hear. I felt off. Something was missing. Then one night it really hit me and I was an emotional wreck. I couldn’t believe myself. This is what I had always wanted…what was going on?

But I have learned to listen and trust my intuition. Even though I didn’t quite understand my feelings yet- they were very real, and there was no denying them. I couldn’t believe this life that I was so sure I wanted was turning out to be so devoid and empty. It was a Band-Aid. And the Band-Aid had just been ripped off, fast. It was turning out to be a façade. This year’s life theme for me has been the tearing down of the superficial- of situations not beneficial to my happiness. Life in L.A has turned out to be a façade -something I thought I needed and wanted, but once I scratched beneath the surface, the ugly truth came out.

(Sorry for any L.A. natives this may offend, but this is just my experience.) I began to realize that the only thing people care about here is themselves, and there are too many hidden agendas. Everyone works like a maniac (at least in the entertainment industry) - and for what? I began to see the path ahead, and it did not sit well with me. Suddenly the city disgusted me- the traffic, the people being everywhere. No kindness in anyone’s eyes.

Maybe if I were from here I wouldn’t feel this way. I would already have family here and that support. I’ve realized truly how important family and friends are. I have always cherished them, but now I really get it. I can’t recreate the relationships I already have. Sure, I can make new ones out here, but I don’t want to sacrifice the old ones for the new ones- the old ones have been with me through a lot of pain and struggle. They really know me and love me, and I love them. Am I willing to sacrifice those for a career?

…Hell, no.

Over this year blinders that have been blocking my vision, getting in the way of the life I want/need, have been falling to the wayside. It’s been tough, but I know it’s all a part of getting to a place of peace and inner happiness. Now I never have to wonder…what if? I tested out what I thought I wanted- and it was the best way for me to find out what I really want.

All this time I thought I didn’t have a place to go home to. But I do. Gainesville is the first place that felt like home to me. Tennessee carries too many bad memories and pain. Gainesville was my first shelter from that. The first place I was able to take a deep breath.

It took me five years of searching with 14 moves, a trip to Canada, two trips to France, and a move to L.A. to realize where home is for me. The first place that took care of me, allowed me to rest, to grow up- Gainesville.

Full Circle.