In Honor of my Dad

It's my Dad's birthday today. He would be fifty! I can't believe it.

As my friends and family know, my Dad took his own life back in 2002. It's something that I have never been overly vocal about, and have tended to keep it close to my heart since it's such a personal matter but as I've gotten older and healed, I see that what I have experienced can be used to help others and unite with those who have been affected in some way by suicide.

There are many of us who have lost someone to suicide or maybe you haven't been too far away from making the decision yourself.

Suicide carries with it a certain amount of shame and is rarely talked about openly. It's likely to be swept under the rug by friends and family members, and can be awkward to tell someone when they ask, "How did he pass?" Awkward because, I don't want my dad to be remembered by a decision he made while depressed and at an ultimate low. I want him to be remembered for his kindness, smile, the way he played his guitar, his creativity, and crude humor. I want to share with people the memories of how he was a wonderful dad to me...memories of playing video games all night together, of when he surprised me with a set of my favorite ear rings after I got my ears pierced in the 4th grade, and of when he drove my cousin and me to our first dance in fifth grade. There are so many wonderful memories I wish I could bottle up.

I want to speak out in honor of my Dad. Like him, I have suffered from depression in the past and felt the lowest of lows until I contemplated whether life was worth carrying on. While experiencing my depression, I thought that there was something wrong with me- did I feel too much? I wondered if anyone else felt this abyss of pain and sadness that I was experiencing. I realized my dad must have felt the way I was feeling. And then I had the realization that if I was able to feel the heartache to such an intense degree, then that must mean that I can feel joy to that same degree as well. And that's what I decided to hold onto. 

I have some stories to share and eventually I'll get to it all, but I'm going to stop there for tonight. It's 3:30 am and time for some sleep...