My Burden

Ring.
Ring.
Ring.

I don't want to talk to you
No. I really don't want to.

You're the grey cloud over my life
A sad, true fact.

My life began to unravel at the age of 8 years old
When dad left my mom for reasons I didn't know.

Mom laid on the couch for years to come
Reaching her hand out for me to hold.

And that's how it's been for the rest of my life.

You weren't there when I needed you most
You made me wait more than you even know.

pain.
pain.
pain.

I don't accept the way you are
I don't believe in you anymore
When I was little I could count on you
15 years since you were there to soothe my soul.

Time was my best friend
it had the ability to one day set me free.

When fifteen rolled around,
Used to instability.
Another shot at the heart,
Dad no longer found.

grief.
grief.
grief.

It's so hard because you don't understand
To you I am wrong and have become less than.

You hurt my father
you hurt our family
you hurt me.

I forgive you
I know you aren't capable of sanity.

That doesn't change the past or present
I have freed myself from the strings you tied so tight
I can take care of myself
Been doing it all my life.

You put all your heartache onto my soul
I learned how to walk with bricks on my back.
One by one I've torn them down
until my back bears no burden of your own.

That's How it Goes

Why does it always go that the phone call comes
when it's too little too late

Another day I would have done anything to have it be you
To hear your voice asking to see me

Now I'm so over it
Wish you the best
but the truth is I really don't care if I ever see you again

And now here you are
trying to make your way back in
That's how it goes
I even knew it back then
Knew once I stopped loving you
you'd want me again

I loved you more than you'll ever know
And now I'm not really sure why
You didn't give me reason to
I didn't know any better

I couldn't love you now
you never understood me
you never knew how to love me
Back then I just wanted you to try

Things are different now
Time changed me
You changed me
Now I know better

Wish you the best
but the truth is I really don't care if I ever see you again.

HONESTY

Here's my problem with sharing my writing. I always tend to write about love. And from my own experience. So it ends up being about someone. Usually someone in my present, or recent past. And I'm not really comfortable with sharing that kind of nakedness with people.

But I think I need to get over that. I mean, honesty is scary. Especially for me, when it comes to love. And obviously if I'm writing about this stuff, I need to get it off my chest, and I think putting it out into the open will be completely freeing. (I mean look at Taylor Swift, she's learned to capitalize off her love stories! And she's taking names!)

Sooo, here it goes. This is basically a page from my diary.

---------?TITLE?-------------

Two weeks was all we needed to fan our fire into flame.
Everything was magic, and seen through rose colored glasses.

You kept surprising me by raising the bar
Giving me exactly what I needed

Then we said goodbye
You didn't know, but I cried
I thought it was over

Then you didn't let go
Excited and relieved
it was new territory to me
Everything about us seemed exactly right.

Two weeks together again
you showed me home. Your life.
It all felt quite nice.

But then reality hit
and me being so idealistic thought miles shouldn't matter
All I wanted was for you to look past it
Tell me that we could figure it out
but you said no.

You had caught yourself
Freaked out
Were no longer willing to see what could come about.

Summer to fall and you asked to call, but fall turned to winter
Then some texts, thanks to alcohol
I hated that, because it just brought me to my past
Disappointment was all I felt
I thought you knew better than that.

But I couldn't tell you these things
the line had been drawn
the miles had created the distance I feared.

A year after we met, fate put us back where we began
But it's a whole different game when you've already tried
No boundaries set, I wanted to be carefree
But when the heart's involved it's more of a tightrope walk.

I played the balancing act hoping to get a glimmer of the past,
I believed in love too much not to try.

You said who knows, and we'll see
Grey used to be attractive to me
Oh, the elusivity.

Now, to me, grey just means you're too scared to say no.
Because maybe down the road, you'll regret letting go.

With love, I have a hard time forgetting
It's an unnatural feeling
to have someone important fade into the past.

But that was a girl
who wasn't quite sure of what to do or where to go
I don't have it all figured out, but this I know now

You are a part of my story,
Sometimes that's all it's meant to be.
Not the beginning or the ending,
But a chapter in between.

Pear Crisp

I have a sweet tooth. Oh, yes, I do! I love a good dessert.

I made this last night when I was craving something sweet. Really, I wanted a diet Pepsi, but I'm trying to lay off the chemical laden drinks. This totally satisfied my sweet tooth.

I'm still laying off dairy. The ice cream is dairy free. And I'm staying away from white sugar. I used organic brown sugar for this. I couldn't find Asian Pears at Publix (which are in season here in FL) so instead I used organic Bartlett pears. I need to pay a visit to the Farmer's Market. Recipe Here!

Food for Fall

Tonight for dinner I had a colorful fall dish of roasted butternut squash and a baked sweet potato. It was so good. I had never roasted squash, and have never been a huge fan of it anyway. But roasting it brought out so much flavor. I only seasoned it with some olive oil, a pinch of sea salt, and black pepper. But it tasted as though I had used plenty of butter.

It's also amazing how filling vegetables are. Usually I would add a green or some sort of grain, but I was actually full after the vegetables.

I'm also aiming to eat things that are in season, which is basically macrobiotics. It definitely takes some thought and planning but I want to educate myself and get used to it so that it becomes a natural habit.

Here's a list of what's in season for fall in Florida:
brocolli
cabbage
tomatoes
beans
asian pears
cucumbers
greens
herbs
pumpkins
squash
sweet potatoes

Tomorrow I'm attempting a bean and squash dish. Gotta get my protein!

And actually, that is the number one question I usually get from people concerned about my herbivore diet. Where do you get your protein? Here's a fantastic article about that. I understand, because that was a concern of mine before I did research, but it turns out most people consume too much protein. Maybe that's a factor in my body becoming more naturally slender once my diet changed. I don't know. But the article is informative.

Let's Try That One More Time

After my disappointment last night in my attempt at trying a new pasta dish, I decided to try again. This time...oh, so good! Glad I tried again. Now I have lunch for a few days!

Again, here's the link to the recipe.
Ahhh, I love food.

The In Between

Two years ago

a girl all aglow

With the life that lay ahead

Little did she know the pain that must be felt

Because those that have experience know

To come into your own

There’s a lot of pain to be dealt

Now waiting for someone to transcend her line of thought

to rest above the line she has drawn

It’s coming

She knows

It’s coming

She knows

Meantime is limbo

Cultivating for a purpose

Beyond friendship

Beyond love

She shifts into a shape

To fit the puzzle piece

An almost perfect fit

One more cut equips her the angle to settle in

A masterpiece in the making

One day she will realize

Each ache adds to her beauty

One more piece and she'll be ready

for something she's never known.

I stumbled upon this today. I wrote it back in 2007. Thought I'd share.

Back in the kitchen

Now that I have my own place, I'm going to be cooking again! I'm going back to preparing vegan dishes. I feel so much healthier and look my best when I eat vegan.

I still try to eat vegan, and always vegetarian, but vegan is much more difficult unless you cook for yourself.

It's so nice to finally have my very own kitchen. Although I did appreciate my aunt's kitchen since it came with every utensil necessary, whereas I'm starting from scratch. So nothing too fancy yet, maybe Christmas will bring some fun kitchen wear! (Wow, this is the first time I've ever had home appliances at the top of my wish list. I'm a real grown up, I suppose?)

Here's the nice pasta dish that I attempted tonight which I found on thekindlife.com.


UNFORTUNATELY, I goofed on some of the measurements. It was way too salty. Better luck next time.

Instant Gratification

I've noticed something. A lot of people don't see the big picture. They don't understand that to get to where you want to be it's not an overnight process. Impatience kills them. They allow the concept of instant gratification to get in the way of achieving what they want. Waiting is not a bad thing. Sure, it can be frustrating at times, but sometimes it's the most important part of our journey because it's where we learn the lessons that we need in order to get to the the place we want to be.

view.

I'm in love with my view. It's magical.

I can't get this song out of my head.

One of my favorite scenes ever. Because expectations usually don't align with reality. Especially for idealists like Tom and me.

http://vimeo.com/8448267

Promotion

What a fantastic week. As if moving into my own place wasn't enough I showed up at work today to find out I've been promoted. Super happy. I'm not going to write about work because it's not exactly professional to do so, but just wanted to share my excitement!

In keeping with the theme of this blog, here's a summary of Everything I've Never Done, but have now accomplished since beginning this blog:


1. Graduated from college.
2. Went to The Cannes Film Festival...again.
3. Had a short film entered into the festival.
4. Bought a car.
5. Moved from Fl to Tn. From Tn to Fl. Again.
6. Got my own place.
7. Confused myself with love. Twice. Still figuring that out.
8. Tried a vegan diet. Loved it. Stuck with a Vegetarian lifestyle. Gave up vegan when I went to France. Cheese is so good.
9. Stopped caring what other people think.
10. Made a plan for my life.
11. Broke it.

Back

To friends and whoever may stumble upon this,

My life keeps changing. Over and over. Thank God I like change. Guess that's why it happens. I ask for the change.

This year has been a transitional year. I went home, to come back to the place that I came from. I'm happy to be back. Thrilled, actually. But I don't think it's permanent. I don't really see anything as permanent though.

However, this year I've been more inclined to look for the permanent. I got to the point where I was absolutely sick and tired of the inconsistency in my life. I wanted some stability. Somewhere that felt like home. Someplace to call home.

I think I have found it here. However, I'm still searching for it in other ways. Like in love. I haven't found that stability and passion. I've experienced both sides of the spectrum, but never the right combination of the two (stability and passion) that I desire.

This year is about getting back in touch with the things that I want and doing those things. I have some ideas up my sleeve to get back in touch with the creative side of myself that I really miss. So stay tuned. Writing is going to be a prime part of my life again so I'll be keeping up with this blog again.

Love,
Heather