My Reaction to The Perks of Being A Wallflower

I haven't watched a movie in months. I finally decided to pay a visit to Redbox and chose The Perks of Being A Wallflower. For the first time in probably a year I was happy with the movie I rented. I cried. Multiple times. And I couldn't really tell you why I cried at the points I cried at, but suddenly a chord was struck and boom, the tears were rolling.

But there was one part I cried at that I know what and why it was triggered. It was this line:

"We accept the love we think we deserve."



This is a statement that is so true it can hurt. A statement that urges us to hold ourselves accountable for what we may feel is lacking in our lives.

I now own my power and realize my worth, but I don't know why for so many years I accepted less than my worth. Why did I give my power away to others when the power was mine in the first place? There are many different reasons for that, but I look back now and see that it was a way to displace the pain that I had buried. I was recreating a painful experience because that is what was familiar to me. Once I had left the toxic environment I grew up in, the only thing I knew was heartache; so that's what I recreated in my life.

We get stuck in these ruts of the familiar. And until we know better, we don't know how to do better. It takes a lot to get out of the rut. It's much easier for life to continue on with the feeling of a void when that's what you mostly know and are comfortable with.

Part of my process of overcoming my continuous heartache was being willing to let it all go. There was an odd comfort to it because I knew the feeling so well. When I watched that movie tonight, my 'pain body', if you will, came back and for a second I found comfort in those old familiar feelings, but now I recognize that the comfort does not come from the feelings but from the familiarity. It's like when an ex-boyfriend shows up and at first those feelings you had for him are reactivated, but then you realize that it's not the same because you have learned your lessons and have outgrown the relationship. That's how I view my past. It had a purpose. The healed wounds are battle scars that now equip me for my present and future.

I am not here for myself and I am not here to continue to experience heartache. I am here to learn and grow and disseminate the lessons I have learned to those that also want to grow. If I never let go of the pain, then I would never fulfill my purpose.