My Reaction to The Perks of Being A Wallflower

I haven't watched a movie in months. I finally decided to pay a visit to Redbox and chose The Perks of Being A Wallflower. For the first time in probably a year I was happy with the movie I rented. I cried. Multiple times. And I couldn't really tell you why I cried at the points I cried at, but suddenly a chord was struck and boom, the tears were rolling.

But there was one part I cried at that I know what and why it was triggered. It was this line:

"We accept the love we think we deserve."



This is a statement that is so true it can hurt. A statement that urges us to hold ourselves accountable for what we may feel is lacking in our lives.

I now own my power and realize my worth, but I don't know why for so many years I accepted less than my worth. Why did I give my power away to others when the power was mine in the first place? There are many different reasons for that, but I look back now and see that it was a way to displace the pain that I had buried. I was recreating a painful experience because that is what was familiar to me. Once I had left the toxic environment I grew up in, the only thing I knew was heartache; so that's what I recreated in my life.

We get stuck in these ruts of the familiar. And until we know better, we don't know how to do better. It takes a lot to get out of the rut. It's much easier for life to continue on with the feeling of a void when that's what you mostly know and are comfortable with.

Part of my process of overcoming my continuous heartache was being willing to let it all go. There was an odd comfort to it because I knew the feeling so well. When I watched that movie tonight, my 'pain body', if you will, came back and for a second I found comfort in those old familiar feelings, but now I recognize that the comfort does not come from the feelings but from the familiarity. It's like when an ex-boyfriend shows up and at first those feelings you had for him are reactivated, but then you realize that it's not the same because you have learned your lessons and have outgrown the relationship. That's how I view my past. It had a purpose. The healed wounds are battle scars that now equip me for my present and future.

I am not here for myself and I am not here to continue to experience heartache. I am here to learn and grow and disseminate the lessons I have learned to those that also want to grow. If I never let go of the pain, then I would never fulfill my purpose.

A Dream

Last night I dreamt something I have never dreamt before, or at least not that I recall. I died in my dream. I can’t ever recall having a violent dream, but this was extremely violent. I was in some kind of public place, a museum or something with a bunch of other innocent people. Then, out of nowhere, these men with machine guns came in and began shooting. I watched as innocent people fell to the ground and became bathed in their own blood. But it was quick and there was only so much time for me to think. As their aim came closer to me, I realized I was about to die. One, two, three, and four bullets penetrated my body. I saw flashes of red. Everything slowed down and became quiet. It wasn’t at all painful. I knew this story was over, but that there was a much bigger picture than the life I was leaving behind. Everything was peaceful.


And then I woke up.

Post Birthday!

I had a fantastic birthday. I believe it's my favorite to date. I had so much fun and it seemed that everyone else did too! The lavender martinis were a hit! I said I would post pictures but on second thought I am not going to post pics because my friends may not want pictures posted on the internet that everyone can see!

But here are some before and after pics of my place all decorated! Still a few things to do, but almost there!

 Before:

After:

Before:

 

After: Just have to add some Ivy to the area between the wall and ceiling

There's more but that's enough for now. Gotta keep some mystique.

Party Time!

Tonight is my birthday party. It is sure to be a lot of fun. I hope everyone has a blast! We’re having a cocktail hour at my place; a limo is picking us up and then taking us to a restaurant downtown. Usually I’m not great at getting pictures but tonight I’m going to make sure I capture some memories!


My Valentine’s was actually really enjoyable. I think it’s the first Valentine’s day in a long time that I haven’t felt disappointed that I didn’t have a Valentine. I was my own Valentine! I bought myself something nice. In fact, I’ve been spending a lot of money on myself lately for decorating my condo and stuff for the party (i.e. alcohol, dress, shoes, ear rings, etc.) so I should probably cool it for a while.

My friend Heather came over, and we did a taste test of the martinis for tonight’s party. I have to say, I am not a fan of vanilla vodka, but my lavender martini recipe called for it so I hope that everyone else will enjoy it.

Also, my condo is finally decorated! There are still a few things to do, but it looks great! When my Aunt was here last weekend we went on a shopping spree. I knew the color scheme I wanted and an overall vision but she makes money from decorating so her help made it a lot easier and less overwhelming.

Pictures to come!

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Already Over It

I'm already over trial #2 of internet dating. Now I remember why I stopped the first time.

It's too much work! I'm only 25...well, 26 in a couple weeks. But the point is that I'm still young! Why am I putting myself in the trenches when I can still enjoy the ride?

In all honesty all of the prospects look lackluster to me. Even the Brazilian neurosurgeon. He wrote too many lols and just seems like friend material. If I'm thirty, and single, then maybe I'll try internet dating but right now it's just not my thing.

I prefer getting to know a person without any expectations. Going to meet someone to see if there is a connection makes things feel inauthentic, rushed, and unnatural. I realize it works for some people, but I would at least like to meet the person in a natural setting rather than meeting for the first time knowing that we are sizing each other up to see whether or not we're a good fit. It feels like an interview. And of course each of us is going to put our best foot forward, so even if you are a great judge of character, it could be really hard to cut through the bullshit when you're not seeing the way the person interacts with people outside of your little bubble.

Oh, well. My life is super busy right now and I don't want to spend my free time trying to coordinate meet ups with people who could be crazies.

Guess I'm more old fashioned than I thought!