I was awoken by my smoke alarm a few minutes ago. I had been asleep for a little while, and it is almost 3am right now. The alarm freaked me out to say the least. As a result I'm still feeling fear, and adrenaline.
Before I went to bed I was reading a book that was making me entirely uncomfortable. The goal in reading this book is dealing with long buried feelings. I'm doing a 'shadow' process. I have only skimmed the surface and it is already scaring me. But I am doing it nonetheless.
Like the smoke alarm (which went off for no reason but apparently to wake me) I feel an alarm within myself signalling me it's time to deal with these invisible (to the eye) issues that have been bogging me down- with the purpose being an emergence of a more authentic self.
3/27/2012
3/25/2012
The Transformation
Authenticity.
Time to cut through deceit.
This mask,
He thought it was
glued to his face.
Forgetting it was of his own creation.
The struggle had become
that which he had forgotten.
Self-deceit.
Transformation arrived
and the days became long,
But he knew in his heart
it had to be done.
It had been put off far too long.
Time to face his demons
To conquer them once and for all.
The addiction.
The lies.
As he focused on
truth.
love.
honesty.
The hurt buried beneath
began to emerge.
A painful process at first.
But as he released and surrendered,
each crucifix carried burst into flames
and was no more.
Time to cut through deceit.
This mask,
He thought it was
glued to his face.
Forgetting it was of his own creation.
The struggle had become
that which he had forgotten.
Self-deceit.
Transformation arrived
and the days became long,
But he knew in his heart
it had to be done.
It had been put off far too long.
Time to face his demons
To conquer them once and for all.
The addiction.
The lies.
As he focused on
truth.
love.
honesty.
The hurt buried beneath
began to emerge.
A painful process at first.
But as he released and surrendered,
each crucifix carried burst into flames
and was no more.
3/24/2012
We Found Love
I wasn't a fan of this song that Rhianna does until a couple weeks ago when I listened to the lyrics. Then I found this version that I fell in love with.
Transforming Soul
Love,
Reflected in the mirror.
The key within my heart
Was held below
Within the cavity
Of sadness and pain.
It had been there too long
And was buried too deep.
Guided to freedom
Transformed from within.
The past now holds merely a shell
Of present self.
Reflected in the mirror.
The key within my heart
Was held below
Within the cavity
Of sadness and pain.
It had been there too long
And was buried too deep.
Guided to freedom
Transformed from within.
The past now holds merely a shell
Of present self.
3/22/2012
Jacob
She lost her son. She blamed it on herself. She carried it around for the rest of her life. Wishing, hoping, praying that if she carried the guilt deep enough and held tight to the burden she would be able to bring him back, or at least remember every detail forever. She felt that letting go would mean forgetting. She loved him too much to chance it. She clung to the fragments of her son, Jacob...Jake...She held onto his memory for as long as she could.
She wrote down every memory she had. But she kept these close to her heart. Locked in her heart. She shared her writings with no one. Not even her husband.
After Jake passed, the guilt ate her alive. It was all her fault, she knew it. She had to punish herself for this loss. How could she have let this happen? It was not her fault, but she couldn't help but give in to the painstaking feeling that she had to carry this albatross.
Her memories turned into pain. The pain seeped into her heart, into her mind, and engulfed her soul. Not a day went by she didn't think of Jake. She lived to punish herself.
She loved her husband. Thus, that relationship had to go. Her belief became that she no longer deserved love. After a few months, her self-loathing couldn't accept her happiness. How could she allow happiness when she felt such loss?
Her vision was skewed, and it only became worse. After a few months, she left her husband and went back to a man she did not love. She had been with this man briefly before she knew what true love was. And now, here she was, throwing it all away.
Her lack of self-love caused her to overlook the hurt and pain caused to her husband. She did not love herself anymore, so she could not fathom that he would still love her. She felt she was doing him a favor by leaving. All she thought about was Jake, and he was a reminder. A reminder of the loss. A reminder of the pain. A reminder of the hurt. A reminder of his smile.
As soon as she left she knew she had made a mistake. But for some reason, going back was not a choice. She and her husband suffered silently and alone. He, now, had lost all he ever wanted.
She didn't know how to claim her life back.
She felt an eternal hole would be in her heart because her son was gone, and now her husband.
Eventually she left the man she didn't love, and decided to be alone.
She longed to be back with her husband, but she did not have the courage to say so. And when she saw him, he was a ghost of who he once was. He had not healed from the loss, but buried it.
She decided to bury it too. But buried pain only burrows deeper. The further it goes, the deeper it clamps onto the soul.
At the end of her life, she realized the pain she had inflicted upon herself. She promised to never again let go of someone she loves, and she finally forgave herself for the loss of her son.
She prayed for a second chance, but time evaded her. Perhaps, in another life, she would get the chance to truly free her soul?
She wrote down every memory she had. But she kept these close to her heart. Locked in her heart. She shared her writings with no one. Not even her husband.
After Jake passed, the guilt ate her alive. It was all her fault, she knew it. She had to punish herself for this loss. How could she have let this happen? It was not her fault, but she couldn't help but give in to the painstaking feeling that she had to carry this albatross.
Her memories turned into pain. The pain seeped into her heart, into her mind, and engulfed her soul. Not a day went by she didn't think of Jake. She lived to punish herself.
She loved her husband. Thus, that relationship had to go. Her belief became that she no longer deserved love. After a few months, her self-loathing couldn't accept her happiness. How could she allow happiness when she felt such loss?
Her vision was skewed, and it only became worse. After a few months, she left her husband and went back to a man she did not love. She had been with this man briefly before she knew what true love was. And now, here she was, throwing it all away.
Her lack of self-love caused her to overlook the hurt and pain caused to her husband. She did not love herself anymore, so she could not fathom that he would still love her. She felt she was doing him a favor by leaving. All she thought about was Jake, and he was a reminder. A reminder of the loss. A reminder of the pain. A reminder of the hurt. A reminder of his smile.
As soon as she left she knew she had made a mistake. But for some reason, going back was not a choice. She and her husband suffered silently and alone. He, now, had lost all he ever wanted.
She didn't know how to claim her life back.
She felt an eternal hole would be in her heart because her son was gone, and now her husband.
Eventually she left the man she didn't love, and decided to be alone.
She longed to be back with her husband, but she did not have the courage to say so. And when she saw him, he was a ghost of who he once was. He had not healed from the loss, but buried it.
She decided to bury it too. But buried pain only burrows deeper. The further it goes, the deeper it clamps onto the soul.
At the end of her life, she realized the pain she had inflicted upon herself. She promised to never again let go of someone she loves, and she finally forgave herself for the loss of her son.
She prayed for a second chance, but time evaded her. Perhaps, in another life, she would get the chance to truly free her soul?
3/18/2012
3/15/2012
Feeling like this:
ahhhhhhhhhh, I'm tired of being patient. I want to hear back from grad school!!!!!!
The Middle
This song has been popping up a lot for me this week. A couple days ago I came across it while I was feeling a little frustrated and perplexed by a present situation. And then yesterday, I heard it again when I was thinking about the same thing. I believe in signs from God/universe/passed loved ones/whatever you believe, but you have to be open to receiving them and ASK. Then they'll start popping up when you least expect it; when you aren't looking for them. Trust me.
3/14/2012
3/13/2012
Shit Flagler Students Don't Say
My favorites: "It's 1am, let's go walk through Lincolnville."
And..."There are so many black people at Flagler."- says the one black guy on campus.
If you didn't attend Flagler I doubt this will be of any entertainment to you, but who knows.
LINK
And..."There are so many black people at Flagler."- says the one black guy on campus.
If you didn't attend Flagler I doubt this will be of any entertainment to you, but who knows.
LINK
3/12/2012
Day 16
Day 16 of no alcohol. Oh, yes, I did not mention. I've stopped drinking. To put it simply, it was getting in the way of attaining the life I want. So I stopped.
In January I stopped...for 9 days. And then I kind of justified away my reasons for stopping. But things kept happening which seemed to be urging me to stop drinking until I couldn't ignore the feeling anymore.
I've found myself with more time, and money on my hands. But the time has been good. It's given me some real clarity. And I just feel better about the direction my life is heading.
No one I know would consider me an alcoholic. I don't have to have a drink everyday. But when I do start drinking I want to keep going. For me it's more about the intention behind the drinking that's been bothering me. I've been using it as an escape.
I read something that rang true with me. Your next drink will never be as good as your first. I started drinking when I was 19 and it started out all for fun, of course. And somewhere along the line...sneakily it became an excuse to escape and less and less about only having a good time.
Alcohol really affected my capacity to love myself. It caused me to treat myself in ways that I would not be okay with sober. That's been a hard one for me to admit. But the more days I am sober, the more clarity I am gaining.
I went through a lot of changes last year, internal changes. Now it's time to make the external match the internal. I know what I want my life to be and I am not going to let myself get in my own way.
In January I stopped...for 9 days. And then I kind of justified away my reasons for stopping. But things kept happening which seemed to be urging me to stop drinking until I couldn't ignore the feeling anymore.
I've found myself with more time, and money on my hands. But the time has been good. It's given me some real clarity. And I just feel better about the direction my life is heading.
No one I know would consider me an alcoholic. I don't have to have a drink everyday. But when I do start drinking I want to keep going. For me it's more about the intention behind the drinking that's been bothering me. I've been using it as an escape.
I read something that rang true with me. Your next drink will never be as good as your first. I started drinking when I was 19 and it started out all for fun, of course. And somewhere along the line...sneakily it became an excuse to escape and less and less about only having a good time.
Alcohol really affected my capacity to love myself. It caused me to treat myself in ways that I would not be okay with sober. That's been a hard one for me to admit. But the more days I am sober, the more clarity I am gaining.
I went through a lot of changes last year, internal changes. Now it's time to make the external match the internal. I know what I want my life to be and I am not going to let myself get in my own way.
3/10/2012
25, Married & Pregnant
Everybody is preggers!!!!
I knew this was bound to happen, but it's happening so fast. It started with acquaintances who displayed their news on Facebook. Now it's actual close friends and family getting pregnant!
It is official. I have become the minority. My closest friends are ALL married. With the exception of one being engaged. Two are pregnant. And about 75% of my facebook friends are engaged, married, and/or pregnant.
Well, I guess this is growing up. Oh, no. I'm quoting Blink 182? I may actually be digressing in age.
God, help me.
I knew this was bound to happen, but it's happening so fast. It started with acquaintances who displayed their news on Facebook. Now it's actual close friends and family getting pregnant!
It is official. I have become the minority. My closest friends are ALL married. With the exception of one being engaged. Two are pregnant. And about 75% of my facebook friends are engaged, married, and/or pregnant.
Well, I guess this is growing up. Oh, no. I'm quoting Blink 182? I may actually be digressing in age.
God, help me.
3/06/2012
'I'm Here' a short film by Spike Jonze
For some reason I was reminded of this short film a friend showed me a few years ago. It's really sweet and profound.
Here's the link. The embedded version above has a portion of the frame cut out.
Also, here's a behind the scenes look:
Here's the link. The embedded version above has a portion of the frame cut out.
Also, here's a behind the scenes look:
3/04/2012
Ready For A Green Light
Tired of waiting.
Waiting to hear back about my acceptance to grad school.
But I'm also waiting on hearing back from someone. I know what I want to hear, but above all else I want to hear the truth from this person. I want to hear what it is this person has to say about...it all. Mainly, I want to move forward. It's time to make some decisions, but this one isn't only my decision to make.
Vulnerability. Not my strongest asset, but certainly necessary in this case. One of my life lessons I have to continually work on. I think I made a big step in this case. Doing my best to put it all on the line so I don't have any regrets.
Waiting to hear back about my acceptance to grad school.
But I'm also waiting on hearing back from someone. I know what I want to hear, but above all else I want to hear the truth from this person. I want to hear what it is this person has to say about...it all. Mainly, I want to move forward. It's time to make some decisions, but this one isn't only my decision to make.
Vulnerability. Not my strongest asset, but certainly necessary in this case. One of my life lessons I have to continually work on. I think I made a big step in this case. Doing my best to put it all on the line so I don't have any regrets.
3/03/2012
Speaking of Numbers...
I wrote a couple blogs mentioning the number patterns I have been noticing and inundated with. I would have had to be completely oblivious to not notice these signs popping up.
I've been seeing 555 often now. Then this morning I randomly woke up, picked up my cell phone to look at the time, and got a chill because it was 5:55am. From the book I have on the topic, here is what it means:
I've been seeing 555 often now. Then this morning I randomly woke up, picked up my cell phone to look at the time, and got a chill because it was 5:55am. From the book I have on the topic, here is what it means:
555
Buckle your seat-belt. A major life change is upon you... Perhaps this change is an answer to your prayers, so continue seeing and feeling yourself to be at peace.
Buckle your seat-belt. A major life change is upon you... Perhaps this change is an answer to your prayers, so continue seeing and feeling yourself to be at peace.
Cray cray. In a good way.
Also, thankful for the signs. Pretty cool. And makes complete sense.
Also, thankful for the signs. Pretty cool. And makes complete sense.
3/02/2012
Sharing the Joy
This past week I figured out my stronghold- what has been holding me back from getting the life I deserve.
I've had a feeling about it for a while, and flirted with the idea of confronting it last month. But then rationalized it away until last week, when I couldn't ignore or deny it anymore.
So now I'm on the journey to dealing with it. I'll get more specific soon, but don't feel like it's the right time yet.
I am really excited about the steps I've decided to take so wanted to share the joy!
I've had a feeling about it for a while, and flirted with the idea of confronting it last month. But then rationalized it away until last week, when I couldn't ignore or deny it anymore.
So now I'm on the journey to dealing with it. I'll get more specific soon, but don't feel like it's the right time yet.
I am really excited about the steps I've decided to take so wanted to share the joy!
3/01/2012
You Ain't Woman Enough...
I love this cover. I was browsing YouTube and found this live version...which I was actually at in St. Augustine almost two years ago. Oh, snap!
...Totally going on my karaoke list.
...Totally going on my karaoke list.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)