Pole Dancing is Not for P*ssies

     Okay, so literally it is. But figuratively speaking, pole dancing is not for p*ssies. Let me tell you my experience.

      Thanks to Groupon, I decided to explore my sensual side and try some pole dancing classes. A dancer once told me it's the best workout for abs and arms, and she had some killer arms. So I wasn't going to contest. But the closest I've come to trying pole dancing was one time in college when a few of my girlfriends and I did some of the Carmen Elektra DVDs at home. I think it was chair dancing. It wasn't much of a workout from what I remember.

     So my friend Heather and I, who is much more adept as she is a few classes ahead of me, decided to try out this groupon for a bargain on 3 pole dancing classes. The teacher makes every move look like the most graceful and easiest move you'll ever do. But then when I get on the pole it's quite the juxtaposition. I know I most likely resemble Kristen Wiig doing an SNL skit. Or Molly Shannon. Either one. It would be a really great skit.

     Pole dancing is the most brutal sport I have ever participated in. You wake up the next day with bruises in places that make it look like you've been raped. I'm sorry, that is really graphic, but it's the truth. The girls who do it professionally better be making good money.

     Overall, it is a fantastic workout. It works the entire body so that you see results within two sessions, but you have to weigh your options. Is being bruised and battered worth it for something that I'm paying to do??? No.

     Moral of the story: I'm going back to yoga. 
  

Freedom is Learning to Let Go

My concept of freedom has expanded over the past year. I used to think of freedom as something provided by an outside source. For example, the United States provides us freedom under the constitution. I saw freedom as a right. 

It is a right. But what I didn’t realize is the power I hold. Instead of looking outside of myself for the permission to be free, I now give myself that permission. 

Freedom to me is not being attached to any person, substance, object, ect. It is freeing my mind from obsession over the past, the present, and future. 

My freedom has come from letting go of control. I’ve stopped outlining how I think a situation should go. Outlining is when you want a certain outcome in a situation so you try and will it into existence. But by doing so it makes everyone in the situation, including yourself, miserable because there’s no room to breathe!

I’ve learned that to get what you want you have to be willing to lose it. If you’re not open to that possibility then you will cling too tightly to it and depend on it. 

When I’m at my best, I look at things from a detached perspective. Once I’ve done my part in a relationship (friendship, romantic, or family) I have to let it go and let the chips fall where they may. 

The best relationships bring out our shadow side, forcing us to deal with our shit. We’ll meet certain people throughout our lives who act as mirrors to show us what we don’t want to see. If you’re not willing to see your dark side, then most likely you’ll run away from the relationship, but if you choose to show up then you can work through it and deal with your demons. We all have them, and they certainly don’t go away by ignoring them. They’ll only get louder and louDER and LOUDER until you hit your bottom. 

We all have a bottom. My bottom was an accumulation of losing a friendship that was extremely important to me, finding myself in a repeat situation with a romantic relationship…and both of these situations were screaming at me and urging me to let go of a false belief I held.  

Most of us have negative beliefs in our heads that replay over and over and over. And we act them out over and over and over. For example, maybe your father wasn’t emotionally available to you as a child, so you internalized the belief “I’m not loveable”. That belief stays with you and then manifests in your life as you become an adult; usually in your closest relationships. 

The good news is you can undo these false beliefs. The biggest and first step is recognizing your false beliefs. This is the part that I would recommend therapy for. Although, when I went through this last year, I did it myself because I was pretty broke at the time so I didn’t see therapy as an option. I read books that asked the right questions so that I was able to uncover some of my false beliefs and realize where they originated from. However, I recommend therapy because the process will probably be much faster and therapy really is an investment in yourself and many people (especially LCSW-licensed clinical social workers) operate on a sliding scale so you can afford it! I am finally going to therapy and intend to keep up with it on a regular basis. I’m doing it for myself, and also for my clients because having my shit together will make me a better therapist. 

Point being, I encourage you to do what you need to do to find out if you have false beliefs that you’re carting around.  Once you discover false beliefs you realize how they have so much power and how they are coloring your perspective. And once you recognize them, you can take the steps to letting them go. And letting them go leads to your own freedom! 

That’s probably a lot to digest so I’ll leave it at that for now. Happy healing!

Love for TSwift

This is a quote from Taylor Swift that I came across from a recent magazine interview, and I think it's right on.

“For a female to write about her feelings, and then be portrayed as some clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend in need of making you marry her and have kids with her, I think that’s taking something that potentially should be celebrated—a woman writing about her feelings in a confessional way—that’s taking it and turning it and twisting it into something that is frankly a little sexist.”

Quote to Remember

There is neither happiness nor unhappiness in this world; there is only the comparison of one state with another. Only someone who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss. It is necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.” – The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas

This quote is true for me, but I do hope that the last line is not true for everyone. Do you think that it is necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live? 

My Reaction to The Perks of Being A Wallflower

I haven't watched a movie in months. I finally decided to pay a visit to Redbox and chose The Perks of Being A Wallflower. For the first time in probably a year I was happy with the movie I rented. I cried. Multiple times. And I couldn't really tell you why I cried at the points I cried at, but suddenly a chord was struck and boom, the tears were rolling.

But there was one part I cried at that I know what and why it was triggered. It was this line:

"We accept the love we think we deserve."



This is a statement that is so true it can hurt. A statement that urges us to hold ourselves accountable for what we may feel is lacking in our lives.

I now own my power and realize my worth, but I don't know why for so many years I accepted less than my worth. Why did I give my power away to others when the power was mine in the first place? There are many different reasons for that, but I look back now and see that it was a way to displace the pain that I had buried. I was recreating a painful experience because that is what was familiar to me. Once I had left the toxic environment I grew up in, the only thing I knew was heartache; so that's what I recreated in my life.

We get stuck in these ruts of the familiar. And until we know better, we don't know how to do better. It takes a lot to get out of the rut. It's much easier for life to continue on with the feeling of a void when that's what you mostly know and are comfortable with.

Part of my process of overcoming my continuous heartache was being willing to let it all go. There was an odd comfort to it because I knew the feeling so well. When I watched that movie tonight, my 'pain body', if you will, came back and for a second I found comfort in those old familiar feelings, but now I recognize that the comfort does not come from the feelings but from the familiarity. It's like when an ex-boyfriend shows up and at first those feelings you had for him are reactivated, but then you realize that it's not the same because you have learned your lessons and have outgrown the relationship. That's how I view my past. It had a purpose. The healed wounds are battle scars that now equip me for my present and future.

I am not here for myself and I am not here to continue to experience heartache. I am here to learn and grow and disseminate the lessons I have learned to those that also want to grow. If I never let go of the pain, then I would never fulfill my purpose.

A Dream

Last night I dreamt something I have never dreamt before, or at least not that I recall. I died in my dream. I can’t ever recall having a violent dream, but this was extremely violent. I was in some kind of public place, a museum or something with a bunch of other innocent people. Then, out of nowhere, these men with machine guns came in and began shooting. I watched as innocent people fell to the ground and became bathed in their own blood. But it was quick and there was only so much time for me to think. As their aim came closer to me, I realized I was about to die. One, two, three, and four bullets penetrated my body. I saw flashes of red. Everything slowed down and became quiet. It wasn’t at all painful. I knew this story was over, but that there was a much bigger picture than the life I was leaving behind. Everything was peaceful.


And then I woke up.

Post Birthday!

I had a fantastic birthday. I believe it's my favorite to date. I had so much fun and it seemed that everyone else did too! The lavender martinis were a hit! I said I would post pictures but on second thought I am not going to post pics because my friends may not want pictures posted on the internet that everyone can see!

But here are some before and after pics of my place all decorated! Still a few things to do, but almost there!

 Before:

After:

Before:

 

After: Just have to add some Ivy to the area between the wall and ceiling

There's more but that's enough for now. Gotta keep some mystique.