What do you Desire?

I'm in insomnia mode. I'm tired, but can't go to sleep. You see, I've been converting home videos to DVD ALL DAY. I'm snowed in!

Watching all these home videos is really emotionally tiring. It's like reliving part of my childhood, and my childhood wasn't all that grand. Of course, the movies mostly document only the good stuff, but there are feelings that arise related to the time period of each video.

Anyway, I'm just hoping that if I write I'll get tired and won't have all these thoughts swimming in my head.

I did come across such an important movie that I did not remember! In it my grandmother asks me what I want to be when I grow up, to which I assuredly reply "an actress". It was so surreal to hear myself reaffirm my childhood dream which I am pursuing as a career now! I knew I felt that way as a child, and loved acting, but it was so good to hear it out loud. It really reaffirms this desire that I've always had in me.

Once I graduated high school it was hard for me to admit to other people that my dream was to be an actress. There's a sense of responsibility that I felt I had to do something more "stable" and predictable. But that's where we start to stray... when we start worrying about other people's expectations for ourselves.

EXAMPLE:

My dad was meant to be an artist. He loved drawing and creating. However he settled for a state school after his mom strongly discouraged him from going to art school.

His mom, my grandmother, recently told me that it is one of her biggest regrets. He got married after a year or two of college (to my mom) and then fell into the family business owned by my grandfather. He fell into a life where he was just existing, and working solely to pay the bills when (especially a soul like his) needed much more to be truly at ease and free. He passed away when I was 15.

I know my dad would want me to go for what I absolutely love to do! It makes me happy to know that I can make up for his lost opportunity. If you already aren't, then I hope that you do the same for yourself and go for whatever it is you DESIRE.