Tough Year

This year has been tough. I've gotten to the point a few times when I knew I couldn't take anymore disappointment or hurt, and then something would happen to prove me wrong.

My best friend, who was like a sister to me, ended our relationship abruptly without even an attempt to repair it- as though we barely knew each other. Not only did I lose a friendship that at one time I thought was infallible, I lost a family too. Sometimes I miss her, but it's hard to forgive someone who is willing to throw away 14 years of friendship so readily. I'm still working on forgiving.

I moved away to L.A. thinking I would be there forever. It turns out the things I thought I wanted weren't as important to me in reality. I had to let go of the notions that I had believed my entire life. I had to make a choice for my happiness, but it was a choice I never thought was a question. It rocked my world.

My grandfather passed away a couple weeks ago. It's all a part of life, and thank God he had a full life. But I'll miss him, and I know it's hard on my grandmother to be alone after 60 years of marriage.

...And life goes on.

Homecoming

I didn’t think I was leaving much behind with my move to L.A. I didn’t realize how much I would miss those people I love. I’ve learned how important it is to allow myself to be vulnerable. We are not made to live a lonely life. I learned that I can do it alone, but I don’t want to. The choice to go it alone is much more difficult, and unnecessary. I was making my life harder than it needed to be.

This L.A. experience has been one big lesson from God.

In the beginning everything was fantastic! I had arrived. I didn’t have false expectations to instantly have things happen, but I got a production job instantly! And a great place to live right in Hollywood! It looked like my life was finally falling into place.

I enjoyed the city- went out to shows, got very little sleep, went to work, did it again the next day.

I had been here almost two months, but in L.A. time that’s like 6 months because so much happens in such a short amount of time. It’s a time warp… then I began to feel it. My heart was not happy. My intuition was telling me something I didn’t want to hear. I felt off. Something was missing. Then one night it really hit me and I was an emotional wreck. I couldn’t believe myself. This is what I had always wanted…what was going on?

But I have learned to listen and trust my intuition. Even though I didn’t quite understand my feelings yet- they were very real, and there was no denying them. I couldn’t believe this life that I was so sure I wanted was turning out to be so devoid and empty. It was a Band-Aid. And the Band-Aid had just been ripped off, fast. It was turning out to be a façade. This year’s life theme for me has been the tearing down of the superficial- of situations not beneficial to my happiness. Life in L.A has turned out to be a façade -something I thought I needed and wanted, but once I scratched beneath the surface, the ugly truth came out.

(Sorry for any L.A. natives this may offend, but this is just my experience.) I began to realize that the only thing people care about here is themselves, and there are too many hidden agendas. Everyone works like a maniac (at least in the entertainment industry) - and for what? I began to see the path ahead, and it did not sit well with me. Suddenly the city disgusted me- the traffic, the people being everywhere. No kindness in anyone’s eyes.

Maybe if I were from here I wouldn’t feel this way. I would already have family here and that support. I’ve realized truly how important family and friends are. I have always cherished them, but now I really get it. I can’t recreate the relationships I already have. Sure, I can make new ones out here, but I don’t want to sacrifice the old ones for the new ones- the old ones have been with me through a lot of pain and struggle. They really know me and love me, and I love them. Am I willing to sacrifice those for a career?

…Hell, no.

Over this year blinders that have been blocking my vision, getting in the way of the life I want/need, have been falling to the wayside. It’s been tough, but I know it’s all a part of getting to a place of peace and inner happiness. Now I never have to wonder…what if? I tested out what I thought I wanted- and it was the best way for me to find out what I really want.

All this time I thought I didn’t have a place to go home to. But I do. Gainesville is the first place that felt like home to me. Tennessee carries too many bad memories and pain. Gainesville was my first shelter from that. The first place I was able to take a deep breath.

It took me five years of searching with 14 moves, a trip to Canada, two trips to France, and a move to L.A. to realize where home is for me. The first place that took care of me, allowed me to rest, to grow up- Gainesville.

Full Circle.

Debris

You wanted a timeshare in my heart.
To bulldoze the scene and recreate it to suit your needs.
Tied those strings tight all the while
Pulling the wool down, down.

What's the excuse that comes from your mouth
When people ask what became of it all?

Fumbling around in a dark room searching for a switch,
I finally turned the light on to see the writing on the wall.

I had a fight with God last night.

I told him I am too exhausted for another let down.

You are love…so what is the problem?

It has been nothing but a snake in disguise to me.

Ripping everything away, to build it back up?

Fine, then show me something redeeming.

Gestation

18-24

Lambuth- 4 months
Cumberland- 4 months
South Harpeth- 3 months
Hall house- 3 months
Lakeshore- one month
Stratford Mill- 4 months
Lincoln Street- 6 months
Four Mile- 8 months
Merlot Way- 8 months
Lark's house- 8.5 months
Avistele- 1 month
Goodwin - 1 week
Lakewood- 8 months (one week)

... A list of each place I have lived from the age of 18 to present, 24. I didn’t realize how many places, until I wrote them all down.

Looking at it makes me feel exhausted.

I made the list to figure out the exact amount of time I spent at each place. While having a heart to heart with my ‘sister’, the fact that I have moved so much came up. I started calculating in my head and figured out that the longest I have stayed in one place since moving away from home at 18, is 8 months. She brought a great metaphor to my attention when she said, “It takes nine months to have a baby.” That hit me really hard, in an obvious way- I see the parallel; since the age of 18 it’s been all about growing and changing-a gestation period emotionally and spiritually. I hadn’t quite reached the full term- and I illustrated that physically by continuously moving.

I am looking forward to the day that I reach my 9 month mark of living in one place. It will be comforting to have somewhere feel like home… finally.

Making a Decision

I had a fantastic experience today.

My biggest obstacle in moving to L.A. has been to find someone to fulfill the rest of my apartment lease agreement. I felt, where there is a will there is a way, but as time began to creep by I began to get anxious about the situation. I had posted to Craigslist, but only once, and recieved some dud responses to my inbox. Honestly, I was hoping my landlord would find someone.

Last week I began to feel the pressure. I realized I needed to turn that feeling into action! I began posting the add everyday. Then after getting some advice from my landlord, I revamped the ad and decided this was it! This is the ad that will sell it!

In the meantime I've been thinking about what I want. Focusing on getting specific. I've learned that the more specific your goal, the more likely you will achieve it. Basically vague desires produce vague results while definite desires produce definite results. (I highly recommend reading Think and Grow Rich...a mind altering book. A book I had seen but actively avoided because I thought the title was hokey).

This book has brought to life the fact that I need to improve my decision making skills. I have had a problem with making definite decisions. Instead of taking control of my decisions I have had the attitude of 'have a general idea of what you want, then when something comes along you like, act on it.' My ideas were general and vague. That is all changing now. And already this change in my thought process has caused me to achieve exactly what I want.

Last night I made the definite decision that the next day I would have a person to fulfill my lease. It was not negotiable. I decided that it would happen. And I felt fantastic about that decision.

Well, I got emails inquiring about the apartment, and by 2:00 today my goal had been reached! And to add the suaveness of God/universe/whatever power you believe- the guy didn't realize it until he arrived, but he had been on a waiting list for an apartment in my complex last year. I needed him to allow me to get to where I want to be, and he needed me to get to where he wants to be!

That little detail reminded me that we all have something to give, and we need each other to make our lives better.

(I am telling you, this book I have read is really fantastic. It has expanded my thought process from the foundations that I had developed through reading books like The Secret, Blink, Happier and The Wishing Year. Think and Grow Rich takes the cake. I'll most likely have to write more about it as I apply the concepts to my own life.)

Cookie Dough

I am having the hardest time motivating myself to get to the gym. I keep planning to and then I don't. It's a vicious cycle. And then I'll go for a few days in a row and then I don't for a week.

I'm going back to strict vegan for a while. Until I lose the extra weight which I happily gained from my LA trip, and then sucummbed to eating crappily in my downtrodden state once I returned to Jacksonville. I think I have 7 pounds to lose. I don't know. I haven't weighed myself...as I haven't been to the gym to use the scale. But my stomach is looking gooey. Which makes me think of cookie dough. Which sounds really good right now....but no! I will exercise my will power!

Consider this a blog to spur my own motivation. It's a purely self indulgent post- as have been my eating habits. (But let's be honest, most blogs are.)